Illustration by Treasure Frey
November 2005 | The EM Mini-Retreat
Positive about Negative People
When ‘energy vampires’ show up, you need to protect yourself from the potential draining experience
By Dr. Judith Orloff
The EM Mini-Retreat intends to change your life for the better. It features both expert insights and hands-on information for everyday life. This month, best-selling author Dr. Judith Orloff instructs on how to take positive action about negative people.
Every millisecond of our relationships is governed by a give and take of energy. Some people make us more electric or at ease. Others suck the life right out of us. As a board-certified physician, I want to state formally that energy vampires roam the world sapping our exuberance, an epidemic that medical texts don’t address.
In my practice and workshops, I’ve seen their fang marks and the carnage they’ve strewn. But even my most caring traditional medical colleagues lack the conceptual framework to see what’s all around them.
Everyone has a vampire story. It’s downright liberating to discover why you’ve been worn out and then to find the remedy.
I’m always moved to hear participants’ accounts of intrusive parents who don’t know what the word boundary means; needy spouses who bleed their partners dry; coworkers with a penchant for exhausting drama; friends whose nonstop whining on the phone leaves you splayed.
Unfortunately, I can identify. For decades that seemed like centuries, my Jewish-doctor mother had no qualms about critiquing my boyfriends, my “wild hair,” my “inappropriate” clothes, all “for my own good.”
Be forewarned that vampires can be so self-destructive that they bring you down with them. When I interviewed John Densmore, drummer for the Doors, he gave a touching account of singer Jim Morrison’s tragic descent, which took a vast energetic toll on those close to him. John told me:
“ At the start of our band, Jim was hopeful, youthful, naïve,” recalls Dunsmore. “In a few years, he was morose, alcoholic. I could sense he was getting more and more desperate. By the end, his negativity got so dark, I had to stand back for self-protection, even though I loved him like a brother. Jim would come into a room totally negative. I felt, ‘I have to get out of here or I’ll succumb to something dark and be drained.”
To keep you from the dark sides of other people, here is a guide for identifying and dealing with energy vampires.
Hip to the Trip
As a start, get hip to all the vampires’ shapes and sizes. They range from the intentionally malicious to those who are oblivious of their effect, including passive-aggressive types. Some are overbearing or loud; others are charming or soft-spoken. Vampires can be neighbors, coworkers, telemarketers or big shots barking orders to a waiter in a small café. Mates, children and in-laws may drain us too, even if that’s not their intentions.
How do you know if you’ve encountered a vampire? The tip-off is that even after a brief contact you leave feeling worse, but he or she seems more alive. To make up or the loss of life force, you may want to sleep, overeat or crawl into some hole and vanish. Always realize that there’s a difference between bad chemistry with someone, which simply doesn’t feel good, and being drained, when energy is taken from you.
One important proviso: Distinguish between early anxiety—say, in a new job—which gradually dissipates in positive situations, and the persistence of vampire-induced fatigue.
Know Your Energy Vampires
To protect yourself, it is vital to identify the type of vampire you encounter. Each vampire category has an energetically appropriate counterstrategy. Be proactive about eliminating or limiting your contact with energy vampires in your life:
The Sob Sister
Always whines, casts self as victim, felt helpless in childhood or emulates whiner parents.
Counterstrategy: Strictly limit time with her, announce limit at start. “I’m sorry, but I can only talk for a few minutes today.”
The Constant Talker
Will not share the floor. Could be nervous, a control freak, a narcissist, can be hostile, may be imitating gabby parents.
Counterstrategy: To a stranger/constant talker on a plane: “I hope you can appreciate this is my time to relax. I’d rather be quiet and read.”
The Drama Queen
Magnifies small incidents good or bad. On emotional overdrive. Her parents trained her in histrionics. Doesn’t get mileage out of equality; only wins when she (or a Drama King) jangles you.
Counterstrategy: Take a slow, deep breath to reconnect and recognize the drama for what it is. At work, set limits despite multiple “excuses” of employees. “You must be here on time to keep your job. I’m sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first.”
The Fixer-Upper
Desperate for you to fix his endless problems. Parents didn’t raise him to be independent problem-solver, lacks self-worth.
Counterstrategy: Show empathy but resist offering solutions. “I’m sure you’ll find the right solution.”
The Go for the Jugular Friend
Says things like “Forget him; he’s way out of your league.” Hangs on to envy, competition, insecurity.
Counterstrategy: Eliminate from your life, if possible. If not, emphasize the need to treat one another with kindness. “Mom, we need to treat each other with respect. Your remark about ... was unkind. I won’t permit you to treat me that way.” Limit contact. For relatives, try visualizations that put you at a distance and refuse to ingest the poison.
The Blamer
Makes you feel guilty, can be verbally abusive. More overtly angry than other energy vampires. Accuses, leaves no room for discussion.
Counterstrategy: To deflect a blamer’s vibes, you can use your own subtle energy as a shield; imagine yourself enveloped in white light that forms a fail-safe barrier. You don’t numb emotions, simply build a buffer to still hear the comments, but not let them “cut” you.
The Outwardly Nice Socializer
There’s nothing obvious to give this drainer away. He may look and sound fine, not boring. But after just minutes of contact your energy dims. Abundant at parties, when you are relaxed. Encounter may be brief but drain can be swift.
Counterstrategy: Try this line, “Excuse me, I really have to go to the bathroom.” It’s important that you move at least 20 feet from him, beyond his energy field. If you receive immediate relief, there’s your answer.
Excerpted with permission from “Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress & Fear into Vibrance, Strength & Love” By Judith Orloff, M.D. Three Rivers Press/Crown. Copyright 2004 Judith Orloff, M.D.
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